I generally try not to use the blog as a diary, so there are relatively few occasions when I've talked about important happenings in my own life. I think some people have assumed in the past that I might be doing this out of concern for anonymity, but the actual reason behind it is simple -- I don't find the regular events in my life all that interesting to write about, and I'm sure they're even less interesting to read. So while I've written a lot in the past about random observations on life or the Web, you'll see comparatively few mentions of life in the office, or how work was going, or the people I spent my time with. Because -- let's face it -- who the hell cares. The Web is not the place for such trivial gossip, that's what genuine honest-to-god real-world conversation is for.
Anyway, having read all that you can now completely disregard it, because this entry is full of all that kind of stuff.
A week last Friday, after seven years of working there as an undergraduate and a postgraduate, my time at the University finally ran out. I left the office, the campus, and academia behind, to return as a visitor if I even return at all. It was a day of mixed emotions (maybe I'll explore them in a later entry). I was sorry to leave, but happy to be moving on -- on the whole I feel I probably stayed there longer than was really necessary, and I'm looking forward to doing something completely different with my life now.
The following day I left the student house that I'd occupied for over four years, and moved back to live with my family for a bit. No mixed feelings here, though -- I'd been itching to get out of that place for years, and I was nothing but relieved to get out of there. If you care, it's 27 Dagmar Grove in Beeston. Please don't give the new tenants any grief, they'll have problems enough as it is.
Last Thursday I headed back to the office for what was probably the final time, to endure the final challenge -- the Ph.D. viva (an extended oral examination on the thesis). Long story short, after a 90-minute viva I was told that I had passed, and after I submit a few minor corrections I'll be able to graduate as a doctor (probably next summer).
So, now I'm back home, with no commitments. Finding some source of income is a priority, of course, but I have the luxury of having no bills to pay, so I can defer job-hunting until the new year. So I spend my time relaxing... doodling, doing graphics, making websites, playing Neverwinter Nights, watching Cowboy Bebop, reading books, and just generally doing all the things that time hasn't permitted in the last couple of years. And I'm thinking hard about what I should do now, because with the achievement of my last big goal -- the Ph.D. -- my life is now quite directionless. But it's a good kind of directionless. The future is nothing but opportunity.
It's really good that I don't feel tied down to pure compsci any more. Finally I think I can understand my instinctual feeling that doing computer science at university was a minor mis-step. I grew up through the 8-bit revolution, when computers were owned by enthusiasts. People learned how to code because to get the most out of those machines, they needed to know how they worked. Computer magazines weren't full of glossy adverts, they were full of listings to be typed in, and with time and patience somebody could become a real master of their machine. It was new, it was exciting, and it was a field dominated by hobbyists -- even the significant companies were run by hobbyists, or with a hobbyist ethic.
When I applied to universities and chose courses, it was late 1995 and I was not smart enough to realise that computing was going through a huge shift at that time. Windows 95 had just been released, corporations were running the show, and by and large, computers were becoming a lot less fun to use. And it's been getting worse since then. Computers have lost their novelty now. Maybe a shift of power towards these gigantic corporations combined with a massive increase in complexity of hardware and software (so that specialisation is now required if you want to understand anything in any detail) can explain my apathy towards computers now. Or maybe it's just that my interests have shifted of their own accord. But for whatever reason, pure computer science is just not all that interesting to me any more.
(Of course, the computer enthusiasts still exist, only now they're all running Linux, which is a great deal more fun and exciting than the bizarrely patronising yet completely uncooperative world of Windows that most users now accept.)
What's happening now is my mission to discover what I really want to do. Though it may be naive, I'd like to get a job that's genuinely satisfying and enjoyable, and judging by the experiences of my friends in the computing private sector that's not even remotely likely to happen if I get a job doing programming or consultancy or systems administration. So I'm looking into some interesting related fields, like game programming and technical writing, and trying to figure out ways to make myself more marketable in those fields. I'm also trying to sort out possibilities for freelance work.
But most importantly I'm enjoying having free time again. Writing a thesis through this past year has been the most physically, creatively and intellectually draining task. Ultimately, though, I think the hard work was probably worth it. But if I ever again devote so much of my time to one goal, I want to make sure it's similarly worthwhile and rewarding.
But for now at least, I'm slave to nobody, and I get to be productive on my own terms. I'm no longer a full-time computer scientist, and that makes coding small, personal projects into an enjoyable activity again for the first time in years. Not to mention all the other things, like reading books, cooking, writing, and of course blogging, that I can now do again without guilt or weariness.
So much to do.
So much time.
[Listening to: Blue - Yoko Kanno - Cowboy Bebop OST 3 (5:04)]
It always strikes me that writing a thesis is a close to a brain dump as you're going to get. You spend 2+ years working on a single goal and then spend an entire year emptying the contents of your brain onto some paper. Of course, some people think it's easy...
*shudder* :)
Slighty delayed reading this in full, but it's worth the wait. I find your comments on Computer Science interesting, and the fact that you can recognise your (albeit minor) mistakes and be philosophical about it is cool. A lot of people get all defensive when confronted with these things.
I hope you do find the type of job you're looking for.
I'm just starting to realise how much I miss all the free-time I had as an undergrad - I regressed into it over Christmas again.
Ah well... here goes 2004! See you on #nott..
I’ve been interested by the reviews I have read, most of which recommend reading a book. I forget the name of it, I'll try to find those comments.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before